If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

Milton Jones

A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime."

Sam Ewing

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Billy Connolly

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Bob Monkhouse

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.

Oscar Levant

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.



Good taste and humour...are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

Malcolm Muggeridg

When humor goes, there goes civilization

Erma Bombeck

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Mel Brooks

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?

Frank Moore Colby

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

Billy Connolly

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.



With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

Jack Benny

Compatible: Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet.

Rod Carty