[Payal]

dear deedz
i have been thinking so much these days. just do not ask me about what. i just have. and im not sure if i made the right decision or not, but jo huwa ho gia. and im not saying i just said whatever form top my head. i actually took the time and thought about a for a while and that while was more than long time. it was kinda like whole year. yeah. i just couldnt take it anymore. and i kind of new that wana gona happen. i mean everyone new that was coming and sometimes i do think how could i let it happen again, but guess what i did and i feel fine. im really happy. may be just a little worry. but thus it and i know that would go away too as time goes on. and hopefully this time its going to last forever. i never wanted this at all. i dont believe in it at all. but who knew. but you never know what the life brings. and when it does there is nothing else to do but to accept it. i will make my points pretty clear so there are no misunderstandings and we'll take it from there. i actually feel relieved, like i was trapped inside somewhere and as soon as i made my mind its all over, its all gone. and you know what these feelings are like none other. its like how ishmeal beach is trapped in rebels army and there is nothing he could do to save, or help him self there is no way out of there but death. now its much better because i don't feel like that anymore. its much better. way better. i would love to wake up one day and realize that what i chose 15 years ago wasnt a mistake at all. i pray to god that that happens. do i know how to reach that goal?. im gona be very honest, No, i do not. i really have no clue and every time im asked that question its hurts so much. that im not even trying at all. but i got my reasons and im not afraid to say that im not even going to try, maybe not for another 10 years. i cant even think about questioning something like that. plus there are signs and i regret those, in a way. i talked to angelica about it she said nothing was wrong with it. and should have done the same thing long time ago. but again opinions, and i didnt agree that much to her. but i did think open mindfully . well ok going now. neend aying and bhook bhe bhut lag rhi hai. t.c. i'll come back soon. love, uski paro :$